Monthly Archives: August 2014

What to Say in a Sympathy Card

As promised in my last post, here are some phrases and quotes to use in sympathy cards, culled from the gazillion of websites out there that present the exact same information (and a few from my Stampin’ Up! stamps). I’ve simply chosen my favorites. Perhaps the best site I found out there on the subject, providing detailed step-by-step instructions, and innumerable sample phrases, is not unsurprisingly by Hallmark.

Phrases

  • You are in my thoughts
  • My thoughts and prayers are with you
  • Thinking of you
  • Thinking of you during this difficult time
  • With heartfelt condolences
  • May your memories bring you peace
  • My heart goes out to you in your time of sorrow
  • With thoughts of peace and courage for you
  • Words seem inadequate to express the sadness I feel about [deceased’s] death. I am here to for you as you grieve
  • May your heart and soul find peace and comfort
  • Peace, Prayers and Blessings
  • Wishing you peace to bring comfort, courage to face the days ahead and loving memories to forever hold in your hearts
  • May you be comforted by the outpouring of love surrounding you
  • May peace and comfort find you during this difficult time
  • I am very saddened to hear of your loss
  • I am thinking of you as you celebrate [deceased’s] wonderful life and the memories you shared
  • Extending my heartfelt condolences to you at this difficult time
  • Grief is the reminder that we loved and were loved
  • I am lucky to have known someone it was so hard to say goodbye to

Quotes

  • Like a bird singing in the rain, let grateful memories survive in time of sorrow.Robert Louis Stevenson
  • We meet no ordinary people in our lives – C. S. Lewis
  • What we have once enjoyed, we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes part of us. – Helen Keller
  • The greatest tribute to the dead is not grief but gratitude. – Thornton Wilder
  • Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal. – From a headstone in Ireland
  • In the night of death, hope sees a star, and listening love can hear the rustle of a wing. –Robert Ingersoll
  • To live in hearts we leave behind. Is not to die. – Thomas Campbell, “Hallowed Ground”
  • For death is no more than a turning of us over from time to eternity. –William Penn
  • Blessed are those who mourn; for they shall be comforted. – Matthew 5:4
  • They that love beyond the world cannot be separated by it. Death cannot kill what never dies. – William Penn
  • Tears water our growth. – William Shakespeare
  • Say not in grief ‘he is no more’ but live in thankfulness that he was – Hebrew proverb
  • Love is eternal, the aspect may change, but not the essence. Vincent Van Gogh
  • They are not gone who live in the hearts of others – Native American Proverb
  • Though nothing can bring back the hour, of splendor in the grass, of glory in the flower, We will grieve not, rather find Strength in what remains behind. – William Wordsworth

 

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Some Thoughts on Sympathy Cards

This has been a week that has gone out of its way to remind me of the fragility of life. In national news, a well known celebrity who had struggled throughout his career with both depression and addiction lost his battle with those foes and committed suicide; in regional news, a wrong way driver on the New York State Thruway slammed into an oncoming car, killing both himself and the other driver; and in even closer to home news, a friend and fellow Stampin’ Up! demonstrator learned that one of her customers was the victim of a murder / suicide. (I later learned that the victim was the sister of another Stampin’ Up! demonstrator in the area, though I don’t know that woman personally.)

Now while none of these incidents affected me directly, coming right on top of each other, they have had me doing a lot of thinking (not to mention a lot of praying for all involved) about what if I had known the victims and/or their families. What possibly could be said in a note or card that could be of any comfort?

Sympathy cards can be hard to write even in the “best of times”. Wait. Is there such a thing when a death is involved? But I hope you understand what I mean. When the death is not unexpected; when the person has lived a full and “good” life; when there is something to be celebrated (the life lived) rather than mourned (the death itself). But even then, death can be an uncomfortable subject and finding “just the right words” hard to do.

One of the most important rules, perhaps the most important rule, is to say something, anything. This is not an occasion you can ignore, like your cousin’s 34th birthday; the cousin you last saw when you were both teenagers. No, a death should be acknowledged. As I’ve seen written elsewhere – it’s not like those affected by the death will have forgotten it’s happened and you’ll be “reminding” them of it by sending them a card. No, you’ll be letting them know they have people who care about them, who are thinking about them.

I remember when my dad died how much each card meant. I hadn’t let many people know he was ill. In fact, practically no one knew. Not even my closest friends. And definitely none of my co-workers. I didn’t want to be asked over and over again “how’s your dad doing”, because I wasn’t sure I would be answering that question with the proper amount of caring and concern (whatever that means; what can I say, I was young and insecure and didn’t want to be judged every time by my response). How I wish now I had said something. I think I hurt feelings, particularly those of my friends, by not letting them know what I was going through.

So each card I received, particularly those from co-workers, who I hadn’t expected to hear a thing from, meant a great deal to me. They had gone out of their way to reach out to me. I figure the few who did send me cards maybe had some experience in their own background that made them understand my silence on the subject, so they wanted to let me know they were there for me, if I did need someone. It’s been over 21 years since my dad died and I can still name the handful of co-workers who sent me cards. Obviously it made a big impression.

I also remember my mom’s friend who sent me a “thinking of you” card the first Father’s Day after my dad passed away. She told me someone had done the same for her after her dad died, and she remembered how comforting it was, since the mourning doesn’t end right after the death. It continues and is particularly raw on all those “firsts” without your loved one – first Father’s Day / Mother’s Day first Thanksgiving, first birthday, Christmas, Hanukkah, and other holidays you used to celebrate together, etc.

So that’s suggestion number two: don’t pretend it didn’t happen. Again, the people involved won’t have forgotten. In my Christmas card last year to a friend whose sister had died unexpectedly the previous spring I didn’t simply wish her a Happy Christmas, and that all be merry and bright. Because I was pretty sure, having just lost her sister eight months earlier, it was going to be a more somber occasion than usual. Instead, I said something along the lines of “No doubt you will be missing your sister this Christmas. May you find comfort and peace in your memories and the company of your friends and family.”

Rule number three is practical advice that I’ve learned over the years (before becoming my own card maker): Always have a supply of sympathy cards on hand at home, just in case. It can be kind of embarrassing to be standing in the card aisle of a store with tears streaming down your face as you try to pick out an appropriate sympathy card. The degree to which the tears flow is usually in direct proportion to how close you were to the deceased and/or the person you are sending the card to. This is why I tend to stick to blank cards when I do have to buy them – no pre-written sentiments to make me cry in the store. But even then there is a risk – as I think about the individuals involved, the general sadness of the situation, and how I would feel in their shoes, the tears still tend to flow.

And, getting back to my opening thoughts, what would I write in my blank cards? First off, if it were a violent, unexpected death, I’d be honest: “I can’t begin to imagine all the emotions you must be going through at this time.” And I’d be supportive: “You haven’t been very far from my thoughts since [Alan’s] passing. And my prayers too.

Then, and this is for any type of death, it depends on the relationship to the deceased / survivors. For example:

  • A reference to a personal memory about the deceased: “[Alan] had such talents for friendships and cooking.   I am going to miss his ‘Garner’s Gourmet Gatherings.’” or
  • An offer to help the surviving family members: “I have some vacation time coming up at work, so let me know if I can be of any help with getting your dad’s house cleaned out; I know we’ve often kidded about what a daunting task that would be.”

About the best advice I can give is this: write from your heart. Several years back my sister-in-law started using the phrase “in was on my heart” to do such-and-such. And you know what, it never seems to fail that whatever her heart leads her to do or say pretty much came out to be the right thing. So I’ve tried to adopt that attitude as well. Just trust your heart/gut. Sure, you can search the Internet for the right phrasing, and there are plenty of sites out there to help (I’ll even do a future post with some of my favorite quotations for sympathy cards), but they don’t know the deceased like you do, or know the relationship you have with the surviving family members like you do. Use this knowledge to select the most appropriate phrases, or forge your own path and write what your heart tells you to say.

 

 

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When to Send a Thank You Card

Following up on my last post (What to Say in a Thank You Card), I thought today I would address the companion issue of when to send a thank you note. There are all sorts of lists out on the Internet that answer this question, from that expert of all things etiquette, Emily Post, to one written by a high end stationary engraver (makes sense, you need to write your thank you notes on something after all). Even Oprah has had some experts weigh in on the subject in a Q&A format.

According to Emily Post, when it comes to thank you notes:

 The rule of thumb is that you should send a written note any time you receive a gift (even a ‘thank you’ gift) and the giver wasn’t there to be thanked in person. But notes are not always necessary. If, for example, the gift is from a close friend or relative (and it’s not a wedding gift) you can email or call instead if you prefer.

However, as with any rule, there are exceptions, and certain occasions demand written thank yous, even if you thanked the giver in person, for example for baby and wedding shower gifts.

If you are a daily Dear Abby reader, as I am, you’ll know that some people are sticklers for receiving thank yous for wedding gifts – as they should be. If I remember Dear Abby from years past, brides used to be given up to a year to get those notes off, but not any more. Current trends say thank you notes for wedding gifts should be sent within two weeks for gifts received before the wedding and within a month or two for those received after the wedding. That’s best for all concerned anyway – gets it off the newlywed bride’s “to do” list and is before the giver forgets what they gave! Oh, and don’t forget that the husband is just as capable of writing thank you notes as the new wife!

Other occasions where help may appropriately be sought in writing thank yous include for gifts and notes sent during an illness or for letters, gifts, and donations sent for condolence. At those times, the actual recipient might not be up to preparing the thank you cards, due to recovery or bereavement, so a close friend can provide some assistance.  (And so you don’t feel unduly burdened, note the distinction here: when ill or mourning, it’s not necessary to acknowledge every card received such as those where the sender simply signed their name.  It’s those with a personal message, and the letters, that need to be responded to).

Thank you cards are appropriate to send for gifts, hospitality or other kindnesses given on any of the following occasions:

  • Baby showers
  • Bridal showers
  • Weddings
  • Birthdays / Anniversaries
  • Other special age marking celebrations (Confirmation, First Communion, Bat / Bar Mitzvah, Quinceañera, Graduation, etc.)
  • Holidays (Christmas, Hanukkah, Valentines Day, etc.)
  • Thank you gift for hosting dinner
  • For hospitality for dinner / longer visit
  •  Housewarming gift
  • Retirement gift
  • Job interview*

[*An aside: My boyfriend and I have an ongoing debate about the proper format for a thank you note for a job interview – paper or electronic.) The last time I sent a handwritten thank you note for a job interview, I was called and told someone else had been selected for the position before the interviewer had even received the paper thank you – darn snail mail – I ended up feeling pretty foolish. So for a more recent job interview, I sent electronic thank yous to both interviewers. They felt “cheaper” but I felt safer with those since I knew the interviewers were making a decision about the second round of interviews within a tight time frame, and I wanted to make sure the “thank yous” got there more speedily. I think this is a case where that ever helpful rule “it depends” has to come into play. Use your gut instinct. What is important, however, is that a thank you is sent. If the interviewer is that offended by the format it which it was sent, and holds it against you, you probably didn’t want to be working for that organization anyway!]

Now, despite the extensive list above, I think the best reason for writing a thank you card is because you feel in your heart or your head that one is needed or appropriate. In the last few weeks alone I’ve sent a few of those “just because” sort of thank you notes.

One was to the veterinarian who had provided such good care to my cat Virginia during the last few months of her life. I wanted to let him know how much I had appreciated his assistance in determining what ailed her, and then, even though it turned out there wasn’t anything that could be done to change the outcome of things, how much I valued how well treated Virginia and I were every time we visited the practice, from everyone in the office. As I wrote in my card, I was made to feel like Virginia was the most important cat in the world (and well she was, to me).

The second such thank you card was to a departmental colleague who works in another building so the majority of our contact is by phone and e-mail. It always seems like I’m coming up with ways to confound the content management system he is in charge of and we regularly kid that I am ultimately going to be the reason he will some day put in his retirement papers. Kidding aside, he’s always willing to help me out with my conundrums on this particular software and I wanted to let him know how much I appreciated that and the fact that he is always good-spirited about it, no matter what the challenge is. After he received the card, he wrote that it was unnecessary, and that I was the least challenging of all those he had to work with. “Yes,” I wanted to write back, “but I figured none of the others take the time to say thank you, so I wanted to let you know that all your hard work is appreciated.”

Finally, over the course of the next few weeks, we’ll be saying good-bye to our summer interns at work. Each of them will receive a handmade thank you card with personal messages inside from me and my coworker who has also spent the summer supervising them. It’s our way of letting them know how their summer with us has made a difference to our organization.

So think about it.  Who do you want to thank today?

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